A-Z Guide for Journalists Reporting on Arsenal

It’s impossible to deny, there has been some serious Arsenal bashing in the media for the past days, weeks, months and years. A lot of this is justified, and there are a large number of very decent journalists who report honestly and logically. BUT there are also some completely irrelevant, ill informed and sometimes hilariously ridiculous articles/reports/comments from members of our beloved media about our club.

So, allow me to present what should now be a fundamental guide for any journalist wanting to report on the Arsenal. Stick to these principles, and your career is guaranteed to be a success! Enjoy.

A – Attendance. Doesn’t matter who they are playing, or in which competition, but if the Emirates Stadium attendance drops to anything below 95% then you must highlight this, ignoring any other attendance’s from other clubs at the time. Because a drop in attendance for Arsenal means obvious fan dissatisfaction, and impending doom at the club. Complimenting this with a picture of the sometimes empty away fans section works a treat. No-one will ever notice…

B – Barcelona. Arsenal are Barcelona’s bitches, remember. They will inevitably face each other in the Champions League (which Barca will win), and sign all of their decent players. Ignore the fact that almost every single player who has made the move from North London to Spain has turned to a total flop.

C – Champions League. Any time Arsenal drop points in the Champions League, it’s a disaster. Whether it’s away against the German Champions, or home to a minnow from Eastern Europe. Other English teams have a “hard-earned point”, but Arsenal can only get “two points lost” comments if any of them draw in the competition.

D – Dealings. Do all you can to question every Arsenal transfer dealing. New players coming in are crap, ones going out are making the best decisions of their careers. Fact.

E – Emirates Stadium. They haven’t won a trophy since they moved to the Emirates in 2006. Don’t worry about other stats about Arsenal, this is all you’ll need to know.

F – Fabregas. Even though Cesc has finally made his desired move to Barcelona, we can’t forget about him. Every time Arsenal drop points/get an injury/miss a sitter/concede a goal, or a Gooner spills their coffee in the stands at The Emirates, it can somehow be attributed to Fabregas’ departure over the summer. If all else fails, just make up a quote from him about how crap he thinks Arsenal now are. Careful though, as he may sue.

G – Gazidis. For some reason he doesn’t speak to us very much, so just assume he’s Wenger’s lap dog. We’re not sure where he’s from though, so given his previous job was with the MLS we all guess he’s born in America.

H – Highbury. Forget about everything that happened in this stadium. Ever.

I – Injuries. Also forget about any injured players that Arsenal have. Just assume they are always able to field their strongest XI. So they never have any excuse for dropping points. If an injury does get leaked into the media, blame the Arsenal medical staff. It’s always their fault.

J – Irresponsible Journalism. You’ll get this aimed at you a lot. Just take it on the chin, and remember what a great job you are doing.

K – Kick them while they’re down – See A and R for this. The slightest drop in attendance, or any dropped points are relevant for this section.

L – Lies. These must be consistent in every single article you write about Arsenal.

M – Money. Ignore how financially prudent they have been (claim it as stubborn), and how healthy their finances are. All you need to write about is how little money they’ve spent in recent years, and that they should have copied the wreckless and unethical spending of Man City and Chelsea.

N – North London. Tottenham are the biggest club in North London now. All because they have our savior Harry Redknapp as their manager. They have better players, and always sell out their superior stadium. Mention this as much as humanly possible. Do hide the “I <3 Spurs” tattoo on your arse when attending Arsenal press conferences though.

O – Originality – Don’t worry about being original with your reporting. Saying the same old things about Arsenal will always go down a treat. See Q and L if you are struggling with this.

P – Piers Morgan. He’s the epitome of the Arsenal fan. Take his word as gold, and assume all other Arsenal fans share his delightful views. Pretend the Copenhagen incident never happened.

Q – Quantity. The amount of copies you sell/views you get is the most important aspect of journalism. Ignore all other ethics (including the truth) in order to achieve these goals.

R – Results. If Arsenal win a game, it’s not that important. But if they draw or lose a game, be sure to make it the centerpiece of your reporting.

S – Sources. Just pretend you have a source in all departments at the club. Should make your arguments somewhat believable. Always ignore the question of who the source is as well. Making up names puts this cunning tactic at risk.

T – Twitter. There will be Arsenal fans on twitter who call you out on your reporting, and question your motives and sources. Try and outsmart them by ignoring them, answer back with jargon, or only reply to the idiot fans that don’t quite have the mental capacities of challenging your original point.

U – UEFA. UEFA are always in the right (or you might lose that press pass and cupcake at European matches). Especially when it comes to Arsenal. How dare Arsene Wenger sit peacefully in the stands and chat to a coach next to him (obviously ignore the fact that UEFA said this was initially OK – we pretend that never happened).

V – Van Persie. He’s Arsenals new Captain and current biggest star. Give it a few weeks, then it’s probably time to start the rumours of his imminent departure to Barcelona. Constantly ask him about his contract, and twist everything he says into implying he will not sign a new one.

W – Wenger. It’s always his fault. And he’s constantly under pressure as Arsenal manager. Important to focus on this.

X – Xanthic. What we’ll all go when Arsenal win a trophy.

Y – Youngsters. Only worth linking Arsenal to players under the age of 21. When they play in the Carling Cup, ignore the fact that it’s mainly a youth/reserve team playing.

Z – Zonal Marking. Arsenal’s defensive set-piece tactic. Likely to concede them many goals this season. Make yourself look smart by mentioning this.